Vince McMahon (!!!!) is rebooting the XFL – the old glorified football league that did great week 1 and then crashed services in week 2, ultimately leading to its demise. What do you remember most from the XFL? He Hate Me. No other answer. Not a good answer – but no other answer. The XFL only lasted one season and was deemed an ultimate failure.
To decide the kickoff, two players would run a sprint for the ball and whoever got the ball would win. Injuries piled up over this nonsense. There was also the no fair catch rule which saw people getting lit up. 17 years later, with concussions on the forefront of football, Vince is deciding to bring back the XFL as a slightly different product and vows to make it awesome. MEANWHILE, the Alliance of American Football will be popping up one year earlier than the XFL, trying to take out it’s competition before it begins. The AAF will start in February of 2019, the Saturday after the Super Bowl and has an 8 team slate with 50 man rosters. The games are supposed to have less (or no) TV timeouts and finish in 2.5 hours. That’s a lot of football talk right in the home stretch of the NFL leading to the playoffs. But that’s not why I’m here. I’m here for a much more fun reason.
The XFL announced the 8 cities that will be hosting teams:
Dallas
Houston
Los Angeles
New York
Seattle
St. Louis
Tampa Bay
Washington DC
The only issue is – they didn’t give the cities any team names! So, I wasn’t about to let Adam be the only one naming teams. He only had one city – Seattle to name. I’m here to name eight (8!!!!)!
Dallas: Look, I don’t know why Texas needs 2 teams, but here we are. What would Vince want the Dallas team to be named? Although Stone Cold is from Austin, TX (convenient, right?) there has to be a tie to him, right? Houston is technically closer, but that one is a given (see below) so for Dallas we are going with the Dallas Slobberknockers. Or Dallas Rattlesnakes? Yeah, it’s that one.
Houston: Look, Vince is no dummy. For Houston, why not capitalize on some existing memorabilia, all while taking at shot at the NFL? The Houston Oilers are back, folks! Complete with their signature jerseys.
Los Angeles: Isn’t there enough LA teams? Never fear – how about another! There are about 900 wrestlers from California. Not even kidding. But let’s be realistic here. There’s one style of wrestling that is so, so popular – even if Vince hates it, it’s a home-run here. The Los Angeles Luchadores!
New York: Fun Fact – Vince Russo is from New York. Don’t know who Vince Russo is? Stop reading. Or go watch WCW Nitro from the 2000 era. He’s credited with some of the dumbest decisions in wrestling history (see David Arquette winning the WCW title). So how about another bad decision out of New York. Taking a taxi? Talking to people (they’re assholes). Let’s just do it. The New York Cockroaches.
Seattle: Again, Adam took the good ones here. Seattle Sasquatches is the best sports name ever and is a huge miss every time someone passes on it. Adam mentioned it being wet up there. Is the Seattle Squirts too much? I’m going there.
St. Louis: Is calling the team the Rams too soon? Another good jab, Vince. You’re a wrestling guy – you like a good jab! What’s the most famous thing in St. Louis? The arch! Why is there not a St. Louis Arches team? What else….oh yeah, ya know…BEER! The St. Louis Beers would be the most XFL thing ever. Let’s go with it.
Tampa Bay: This one is cool! Finally a professional sports team in Tampa! I think they’re playing in Raymond James Stadium! We should call them…the Tampa Bay Buccaneers! Just such a lucky city to finally get a professional sports team.
Washington DC: Vince loves Donald Trump. Is there something there? The DC Toupees? The DC Trumpsters? Tough to incorporate the White House without being totally racist. Could we go full circle and name it after the Native American tribe that originated in the DC area? Or let’s just give politics what they deserve, the Washington DC Scumbags.
That’s it! Take my advice, Vince! Drop down in the comments and let me know what you think the teams should be named and your excitement on the new football league.
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