I Should Coach an NFL Team

With the NFL Coaching Carousel in full effect (and my Bengals still coachless), I finally have found the appropriate forum to share my very strong (and correct) opinion: I Should Coach an NFL Team. I know what you’re thinking – shut up, no you shouldn’t, and you’re probably right! BUT, hear me out.

Let’s, for this example, use a team like the Arizona Cardinals coming off of consecutive bad years. (I mostly don’t want to use the Bengals and get all worked up and I don’t want to use the Browns) Who is currently talking about the Arizona Cardinals? No one. Can you name 3 players on their team? Probably. Can you name 5?! I doubt it! What the hell is wrong with the Cardinals? Literally no one cares. But. But, listen. What if the Arizona Cardinals hired Luke Mauer? Do you think people would talk about them? YES! People would say “What in the hell are the Arizona Cardinals doing and who the hell is Luke Mauer?” I promise you it would be a frenzy. Here are some headlines:

Cardinals Hire Coach with Zero Experience, Doomed to Fail

Dry Heat Affecting Management as Cardinals Hire Inexperienced Coach

Is Weed Legal in Arizona, Because Someone is High (with a picture of me in a Cardinals shirt)

Arizona Cardinals: 0-16

Okay, so now that people are talking about the Cardinals again, let’s address that last headline. Arizona Cardinals: 0-16. Who would be shocked? They were a bad team last year and now they hired a coach who has NEVER coached in his life. Expectations are at rock bottom. Preseason Rankings would show the Cardinals at 32 I would bet my house on it (mostly because I’d need to move to Arizona). There would be so much scrutiny and skepticism that it would be a trainwreck…but what’s the thing about a trainwreck? People would WATCH. People would want to see me fail. Can you imagine the media before the first game? What about after? AND WHAT IF I WON?! So, if I start 0-2, people are going to say “Yeah, no shit?” the Cardinals are 0-2. They aren’t going to win a game. But what if I started 2-0? Can you even imagine how much people would be talking about Luke Mauer and the Arizona Cardinals? You wouldn’t be able to turn on ESPN…but if you turned it on, you wouldn’t be able to turn it OFF!

There are a few head coaches whose salaries are not public knowledge, but the lowest one that is happens to be around $3.5 million a year. Guess what? You don’t have to pay me $3.5M a year. you don’t have to pay me close to that. You could pay me $500k probably and I’d be smitten. I mean, sure, give me a millie – but I’m going to be cheap. So there’s no risk, no expectations, and no real threats? Maybe I’m a placeholder for one year so you can get the right coach for your team. Maybe I’m just saving you some money so you can offer that big contract. Maybe I fucking rock and we go 10-6 and make the playoffs, but guess what? It’s such a low risk that it doesn’t matter. The risk/reward ratio is ridiculous in this scenario. People will call you crazy, and maybe you are – but there could be something to say about a guy who doesn’t know shit about football. We talked about it last week, a fresh mind with no experience or “expectations” of what happened in the past has to happen again might be cool. Maybe I’d go for 2 every single time we scored? Maybe I’d onside kick it every time. Maybe I’d never punt? Can you imagine getting stuffed on first down, two straight incompletions and me going for it on 4th and 10 from my own 20? People are going to be talking!

Okay – I could ramble for days – but guys, what do you think? Should I be an NFL coach? Can someone please hire me?

Comments are closed.