Why I Suck at Fantasy Football

It’s week 5 and I’m staring at 1-3 in one of my fantasy leagues, “Stupid Bengals Fans,” and I had to ponder…why am I so bad?

The conclusion was simple: I’m a stupid Bengals fan.

You see, when it comes time for fantasy football every year, I get excited – this is MY year. I gear up my draft board but mine always looks a little bit different than everyone else’s. On my draft board, you’ll NEVER see anyone from the Bengals division. That’s right. No Browns. No Ravens. And certainly never a Steeler. There’s always one other team missing from my draft board. The dreaded Colts. I will not draft or pick up a player from the Indianapolis Colts. Now the division may make sense to you (and it may not, especially with the Steelers normal three-headed monster) but you’re asking, Luke, why the Colts? Are you that stubborn and stupid? Um, yes. The Colts are one of my most dreaded teams mostly because of where I live. The fans are obnoxious, the stadium is…nice, and they are just too…Colt-y. Not making my team.

Okay, so after I draft a player from one of my 28 eligible teams, then we have weekly issues, right? I will NOT play a player against the Bengals. Luke, you can’t be serious, right? Wrong. My loyalty lies with the Bengals. If I’m cheering for Aaron Rodgers to throw 4 TDs against the Bengals, then I’m cheering for the Bengals to lose. Aaron Rodgers, see my bench. Starting will be…*scrolls, scrolls* Baker Mayfield is available! Wait, nope, he’s a Brown. Flacco is there and he’s playing the Jets. That could be a 20 -point week, but I’m going to have to settle for Ryan Tannehill against the Jags defense. Yikes. But it’s what I HAVE to do.

Okay, so I have 27 teams to choose from, but I should still be decent right? Here’s my next snag. Every Sunday (or Thursday/Monday), I’m watching the Bengals. Every home game, I’m AT the Bengals game. I don’t necessarily get to see Calvin Ridley making 3 TDs until 6 hours later when I hear it on the way home. Is he still on the waiver wire? Absolutely not. I’m not sitting at home watching the RedZone channel to see Austin Eckler relieving Melvin Gordon on some pass heavy downs and becoming a favorite target. I’m not getting to see Patrick Mahomes tossing 78 touchdowns while sitting on the waiver wire. I’m out being a stupid Bengals fan.

Some people are great at fantasy football – but at what cost? Last week I lost by 2 points to someone who played Ben Roethlisberger (PIT), Justin Tucker (BAL), Vance McDonald (PIT), and Julio Jones (AGAINST THE BENGALS). This is in a league full of BENGALS FANS. So, yeah…did I really lose? Or did they lose? Did they lose their manhood, their respect, their fandom? Who is really the loser? Am I a loser because I’m faithful or am I the real hero and fantasy football should catch up to me? I’ll let you decide – send us an email contact@opinionsanonymous.com and tell me if you have any fantasy rules.

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