Like a majestic phoenix rising from the ashes I have been resurrected! The last time you all heard from me was when Indiana announced that it would make sports gambling legal and I announced that I would be abstaining from placing any sports bets until that day. Some people have compared this to when engaged couples abstain from having sex until their wedding (who on earth does that by the way? Sick brag that you guys fuck so much that you want to “take a break” I for one, am not that fortunate and am always on the lookout for a little bit of bump and grind. Sup ladies?) But anyway, I AM BACK! Now I’m sure some of you are saying “Uhhh Kyle, sports gambling has been legal in Indiana for a couple of days, why did this take you so long?” Well, Mr. Smartass, I was in Minnesota for work this week. Unfortunately, I am not yet a professional gambler so I still have to get a paycheck so I can gamble it all for your entertainment. Nonetheless, it feels great to be back, I’ve missed you guys. So let’s get into what you all came here for – some picks.
First off we have some college football action for you lovely readers.
Boise St.-12 vs. Marshall. Full disclosure on this one, I’m only betting on it so I can bet on something Friday night. I need to bet on sports like I need air to breathe at this point. That being said there’s no way you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you think Marshall will cover in this game. Boise State easy. (Alright, so we got the first loss of the year out of way early. We’ll Be Fine)
Purdue -7 vs. Vandy. After Purdue’s epic collapse last week I was left distraught and empty and I’m not sure if I trust them. So why am I picking them in this game? Purdue is dedicating the student section gate to the one and only Tyler Trent this weekend. You don’t need to believe in God to know that sometimes there’s more to a game than the talent on the field. (See Purdue vs. Ohio St. last year) There’s no way Purdue doesn’t come out and play a perfect game. This one’s for you TT. (Winner!)
Colorado+4 vs. Nebraska. This season is one whole week old and I am already tired of people talking about how awesome Nebraska is going to be this year. What is their basis for this? Their coach was good a little ol’ Central Florida? They are returning a lot of starters? Guess what folks, those starters they are bringing back went 4-8 last year. 4 AND 8!! You know what happens if you let shit age for 8 months? It’s still shit, and that’s what this Nebraska team is. Colorado +4 at home, book it. (Another Winner! and Screw Nebraska)
UCF-10.5 vs. FAU. What a great matchup of small entertaining Florida schools we have here. UCF is entertaining because they are always causing an uproar when they claim that they should be considered for the playoffs when they go undefeated, which is good for endless hours of people yelling at each other their opinions on the matter. And they have added ex-Notre Dame QB Brandon Wimbush to their roster for some added firepower. And FAU is entertaining because their coach is Lane Kiffin, one of the most entertaining twitter follows in the whole world. Unfortunately for Lane that does not translate to on-field performance. I love Mr. Kiffin, but his squad is a bit outmatched in this one. (Winner! and UCF looks fun again this year!)
LSU -6.5 vs. Texas. If hearing someone say “Texas is back!” doesn’t make you a little bit nauseous, then I’m not sure that you’re a real sports fan. Spoiler Alert = Texas is not, nor will they ever be, back. Geaux Tigers. (We squeaked by but LSU won by 7 so we got it!)
Was that enough for you? We’ll too bad! It’s also NFL week 1 so we get to bet all day Sunday too!
Colts+6. vs. Chargers. Everyone is so focused on Andrew Luck retiring and assuming that the Colts are going to fall apart that they are forgetting a couple of facts, lucky for you I am here to smack you in the face with those facts. (Disclaimer** I will not actually smack you in the face….unless you’re into that kind of stuff) Fact #1 – The Colts had not one but two players on the All-Pro team last year, neither of them named Andrew Luck, and Darius Leonard and Quenton Nelson are still suiting up for the Colts so they have talent, not to mention a great GM and coach who have been building a solid team. Fact #2 – Melvin Gordon has decided that not playing football and not getting paid is better than playing football and getting paid. These above facts make me feel pretty good about the Colts +6., will they win? I don’t know and I don’t care, but they won’t lose by more than 6. (They lost by exactly 6, there’s our first push of the year)
Buccaneers-1 vs. 49ers – I like the Buccaneers in this game for one reason and one reason only, the Buccaneers new QB whispering, Paint-drinking, football guy head coach Bruce Arians. Arians has shown that he has an ability make something out of nothing as a head coach and I expect him to take this Tampa Bay team and turn them into a team that be winners, or at least win against the 49ers (Turns out not even the great Bruce Arians can fix Jameis Winston)
Steelers vs Patriots over 50. C’mon guys, it’s my first week back, you didn’t think I could go the whole time without betting an over did you? Life’s too short to bet the under. Let’s ride. (The Pats did their part, the Steelers did not, also the Patriots are going win the Super Bowl again aren’t they?)
We get a double dose of Monday Night Football this week and I’ll keep these short and sweet
Saints-7 vs. Texans. I have to imagine the Saints are still quite angry about how they got eliminated last year on the missed pass interference call. I expect the Superdome to be rocking and that team to come out hot. (Very entertaining game, but our bet did not win)
Denver-2 vs. Oakland. Oakland is the biggest dumpster fire in all of sports right now. BET ON THE BRONCOS. (WHY DID I BET ON THE BRONCOS, Joe Flacco is washed up, hes scared in the pocket, coward)
Now, the moment you have all been waiting for: The lock of the week: Kyle’s Moneyshot.
Ohio State-16 vs. Cincinnati. When I saw this line I literally looked around like this
I mean, I know I haven’t bet on sports in a while and I know Ohio State has a new coach. But they still have a 5 star QB in Justin Fields who casually put up 4 touchdowns, including a 50 yard run in his OSU debut. And last week Cincinnati was in a close game with *checks notes* UCLA. Hmm. I mean, really? Am I the only one who thinks this is just too easy? I might open up a couple of new credit cards and max them out on this pick! (MONEYSHOT HITS!!! 1-0 on the year!!!)
Man does it feel good to be back! As always thanks for reading and if you have any thoughts leave a comment below. Make sure to check back throughout the weekend as I will keep updating this blog and the spreadsheet.
Thanks for reading. Love you guys. Let’s Get Rich!