NOTHING Should Last Longer Than 2 Hours

It’s 2018 and most people cannot get through a 2 minute conversation with their spouse without checking their phones or looking around like they have severe ADD.  So how do we still have thousands of events in our every day life that last longer than 2 full hours?  Let’s start with the obvious (especially from me).

MOVIES – movies should never last longer than two hours.  I think a movie should be 90 minutes.  That’s it.  Why do we need an extra 30 minutes of BS just to waste my time?  This isn’t new – let’s look at IMDBs top 250 movies EVER.  The Shawshank Redemption is 2 hours 22 minutes, The Godfather is 2 hours and 55 minutes, Part 2 is THREE HOURS AND 22 MINUTES, The Dark Knight is 2 hours and 32 minutes, Schindler’s List is 3 hours and 15 minutes and The Lord of the Rings (Return of the King) is 3 hours and 21 minutes.  That’s not even counting Pulp Fiction (2 hrs, 34 mins), Fight Club (2 hrs, 19 mins), or the other LOTR (2 hrs, 58 minutes).  Actually, ridiculously, the list keeps going.  Why?  Should we blame the $2B Titanic film that was made that was nearly 3 hours?  Or every superhero movie which is way longer than it should be?  I’m not saying these films are bad – I’m just saying I’m probably not going to be tuning in.  Look at 2018.  Black Panther (2 hrs 15 mins), Avengers: Infinity War (2 hrs 40 mins); Ready Player One was 2 hrs and 20 minutes.

While we’re at it – TV Shows or Series should not be longer than 45 minutes.  And 45 minutes is sometimes a lot.  Let’s get to the point.  Seasons shouldn’t exceed 10 episodes.  Look, I know I’m going against everything that’s normal, but I don’t have the time!  The kiddo goes to bed at 8 so I’ve got an hour before my bed time.  I can reason with myself that 9:30 is okay, but 10:15?  Hell no.  I’ll panic.  I get sweaty thinking about it.  Okay, not everyone is like me and goes to bed early but let’s think about this.

What did you do last weekend?  Go to a wedding?  How long was that shit?  It was your entire day.  You have to get up and make sure you’re showered and looking good.  You have the church part (let alone if you’re IN the wedding), you have to kill time before the reception but you can’t really DO anything.  Then the reception.  Sure, it’s fun, but it’s 92 hours long.  Your day is over.  Then it’s Sunday – sure you can watch football – but how long does that shit take?  An NFL game is like 3 1/2 hours.  Can’t we not do a commercial break every time the ball advances like 3 yards?  Turnovers, commercial break; punt, commercial break; what about a punt at 2:02 and then the two minute warning.  It’s 4 minutes of commercials in 2 seconds of gameplay.  We can cut that down, surely.

Ever watched baseball?  Ever wondered how a game with like 6 minutes of gameplay takes 4 days to complete?  Let’s speed the shit up.  The beers are $9 a piece (ask Kyle) – if the game only lasts 2 hours, you can save some money and go to a bar where they’re only $8.50.  Basketball is as close as it gets.  They’re usually 2 hours and done.  And that’s enjoyable!

Think about the best things in life.  They’re all under 2 hours.  Your favorite podcast (it’s Opinions Anonymous, by the way), eating, drinking a beer, SEX – all under 2 hours.  Can we start a petition?  EVERYTHING should be under 2 hours.  Disagree?  Drop down to the comments and tell me something you really enjoy doing for more than 2 hours.  I’ll wait here…