I Bought A Bidet, Here’s My Review

It seems as if everyone around here has found something that they find themselves an “expert” on and are giving reviews on – Luke has his movie reviews, Andy comments on anything nerdy, and Rookie has his beer reviews (when he actually blogs, sometimes I forget he’s a part of the team)

I like the idea of reviewing something, you just try it out and give your opinion whether you have any idea what you are talking about or not! So I figured I would try my hand at writing a review. Well, if Rookie has beer, Luke has movies, and Andy has video games and such…..that doesn’t leave me a lot of options on what my thing can be. So we’ll just file mine under “Random Junk” or “Weird Stuff” or “Things You Want To Try Out But Are Scared What Your Friends And Family Will Think Of You If You Do”

We can figure out the name of the segment later, but for now, on to the review.

Since this is my first review, I figured I might as well come out swinging. I bought a Bidet. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a Bidet is – it is a plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, and anus of the human body. Basically, it’s a super soaker that shoots water on your ass to clean it after you poop. Do I have your attention yet? Ok, Good.

Image result for water gun gif

How did I find myself in this situation? A Buddy of mine also got one and could not say enough good things about it so I checked them out on Amazon and found one for only $20, so I said, “Why not, I’ve spent $20 on way worse things.” (Buying Girls drinks at bars hoping it would make them want to sleep with me, Spoiler – it didn’t) So, I put my Amazon Prime Membership to good use and ordered myself a bidet and it was on my doorstep in two days.  

So there it was, staring me right in the eyes, and soon to be staring right into my brown eye. So, I just dove right in and started putting it together!

First off, this thing was surprisingly easy to set up. I’m not super handy. I have a little experience with plumbing thanks to my summer job doing maintenance at a Hampton Inn, but I got this thing put together in about 30 min. So good score for user friendly set-up, let’s say a 7.3/10.

After I got it set up, I was so anxious to try it out, but there was only one problem. I was running on empty, no fuel in the tank….I didn’t have to poop. For a split second I thought about getting some Taco Bell to speed up the process because Lord knows that stuff runs through me faster than a cheetah on cocaine. Fast and Furious isn’t just a Vin Diesel movie, it also describes my bowel movements after some good old TB. But, this was my first test of the bidet so I didn’t want to throw something like that at it the first time.

So, I patiently waited for the right time. Here I was, seated, pants around the ankles, hand on the trigger (It is a very simple machine, just a little knob that you twist to release the stream of water – 7.8/10 for user friendly design) The moment of truth – I twist the knob and what happens next was equal parts exciting, terrifying, and intriguing. I assume my face looked something like this:

Image result for confused happy gif

The combination of straight-from-the-pipe-ice-cold-water rushing to places that I wasn’t sure I had made for a once in a life-time experience. You think caffiene is good at waking you up? I haven’t had a single cup of coffee since I’ve started my day with Cold Bidet Water to the Bum – it’ll wake you up guarenteed. Water temp – 4.8/10

So let’s revisit the scores shall we?

Set-Up: 7.3

User Friendly: 7.8

Water Temp: 4.8

Overall: 6.6

Was it worth the $20? Sure, it’s a funny story and I got a decent (I hope) blog out of it. Is my rear-end actually cleaner? I would like to think so but I can neither confirm nor deny this assumption.

In conclusion:

  1. Writing reviews is fun
  2. I need to find my niche/name for my reviews
  3. Do I need to find a better use of my time? Maybe
  4. Will I ever do another review again? TBD – you’ll just have to keep following along to find out.

Thanks for making it all the way through this roller coaster of a blog. Have an opinion? Leave it in the comments, I mean, we are OPINIONS Anonymous, so let’s hear your opinions. Also, let me know if there’s anything out there you want me/us to review. Thanks again, Love you guys!

2 thoughts on “I Bought A Bidet, Here’s My Review”

  1. In high school, a couple of us worked a family Christmas party at a very wealthy person’s home serving hors d’oeuvres. Being wealthy, of course they had a bidet. I was intrigued, but like you, the tank was empty. There weren’t enough fancy bagel bites there to fill it, either. Luckily, one of the other guys working had to drop a nasty one. I hovered around the bathroom door, excited to hear all about his experience. I’ll never forget when he walked out. His face was pale, and he said, “It was weird, I don’t want to talk about it.” So I feel like your rating is right about par for the course.

  2. I can’t decide which is better….the blog, or this comment! Any other bidet stories anyone??

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